Addvice

wisdom from a man of many farts

I come from an ancient land of sages and seers, of godmen and a million fraudmen. Over my lifetime I’ve made enough pronouncements of sufficient whimsy, all seemingly well-balanced clever and obscure, and plentiful frequency to pass off as wise to those afflicted with prolonged gullibility, the kind who would ascribe meaning to inanity. Nothing personal; I like the hordes of such people. It’s good for business. There’s much more rock ‘n’ roll and its perks (at least as perceived in the ‘70s and ‘80s) in the guru business than in rock ‘n’ roll. And it’s all sweet music not just to the ears but to every part of the body. So read on, dear sweet gulls!

the guru. now pay obeisance, mortal.

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Life doesn’t suck. You do. Don’t be a vacuum cleaner.

Take a good, long, hard, critical look at yourself. If that doesn’t scare/worry/please you, nothing really will.

Irony is the fuel of haemogoblins. Run to the Iron Hills, like the band sang…or should’ve sung.

The light at the end of the tunnel could be a white-washed dead-end. Avoid tunnels. Ever heard of carpal tunnel syndrome? Bad, very bad. Like I said, avoid.

Being kind and being nice are two different things although sometimes you can be both. Being kind helps. Being just nice most likely means you’re an insipid, fence-sitting berk.

Sitting on the fence only leaves you butthurt. Save your ass, get off that fence. Heck, some of you might even save the fence from breakage.

Being off the fence might help you being grounded, feet firmly on earth. Being earthed helps you absorb shock. While on that, learn physics. Or talk to an electrician.

People who tell you about perspective, the vision from 30,000 feet above the ground, they’re flying business or first. They're gurus of one kind or the other and they’re sitting on something comfortable, not a fence.

Don’t spew shit from your mouth like “the vision from 30,000 feet above the ground”. Just don’t. Is your mouth an asshole to do that? And are you?

Compost. Shit’s gold, I’m not kidding.

Go easy on your children; telling them what to do like you’ve got it all sorted. You know jackshit about much, you’re only likely to pass that on to them. Look at what millenia of parental/elder wisdom has wrought. Jackshit’s not gold.

Grow your own vegetables, at least some. Compost will come in very, very handy.

Keeping your head down is occasionally good advice but not when you’re flailing to reach the shore; even less so when you suck at swimming. Or when you're already neck-deep in shit.

If you must, drink in moderation. Don't get shitfaced.

Whine is the shittiest drink on earth.

Wake up every morning to The Pretenders’s “Stop Your Sobbing”. Should help you lay off that bottle of whine. (p.s.: I know the original is by The Kinks, but The Pretenders made it a hit. So stop your sobbing now oooh!)